The Overbearing Prayer
November 26, 2010
Though I prefer to paint myself as an activist in the atheist world, there are places I don’t do it. Namely, places where I am drastically outnumbered, and places where I would be disrupting too many people’s lives at once. In the first instance, it’s impossible to have an intelligent conversation about anything when too many people are throwing their hats into the ring and reinforcing stereotypes. In the second, it’s a matter of respect. I wouldn’t want a theist to walk into a skeptic’s meeting and rile everyone up, so I apply the same standard to myself. This Thanksgiving featured both of those circumstances, and as such, I kept my mouth shut on a couple of issues, one of which I’d like to discuss with you.
This Thanksgiving, we had a prayer before dinner. Well, not so much before dinner as during it. We did a buffet sort of self-serving routine, and about the time half of us had our food (and some of us were already eating), my grandfather insisted that one of my uncles come and offer a blessing. My grandfather is deeply religious, as regular readers already know. My uncle, though not my grandfather’s son by birth, is descended from religious folk. I’m pretty sure my biological grandfather (a man I only met a few times before he died) spent more than a couple hours discussing the good book in front of an audience. I know for a fact that one of my other uncles is deeply religious (he told me so when I mentioned this blog to him), and that the other one is so deep into spirituality that you might as well refer to him as a de facto theist at this point. Among the other attendees were my incredibly religious nephew, my brother who claims to be an atheist but defends the beliefs of others to a rather ridiculous extent, and my family who has recently returned to church. My wife (the partial agnostic) is still up in Santa Cruz preparing for opening night of her professional directorial debut (break a leg, my dear), and thus, I was all alone in my disbelief, mired in a bog of believers.
Now, let me begin by saying I understand wanting to bless the food. I really do. It’s a tradition that’s been around for centuries, if not millennia. Thanking God (or whomever you happen to believe in) is perfectly fine, especially on a holiday that is based on the very concept of thanks. (Obviously, I wouldn’t do it if I had my way. Personally, I prefer to thank the people who purchased and prepared the food, but I’m the weird one here.)
A normal blessing, one that thanks god for the bounty of this feast, for the good health we have, for the trees and all that, is, as I said, perfectly within the realm of respectability for me. But what many theists don’t realize, is that prayers of this sort can easily become less about being thankful, and more about being, in a word, fearful.
Our prayer started out innocuous enough, though my uncle did insist on using phrases that assert the supremacy of god. I can get past that, the whole “our God in charge of everything” thing. But the part that didn’t sit well with me came after the thanks. He said, “please help us to recognize that everything we have comes from you, and that everything is because of your will.” Those of you who are open minded, reading this alone on your long weekend, read that sentence again. Maybe three times.
“Please help us to recognize that everything we have comes from you, and that everything is because of your will.”
“Please help us to recognize that everything we have comes from you, and that everything is because of your will.”
Now tell me, honestly: is that sentence more for God, or for my uncle’s three children? Or for the ungodly one in the room? I don’t suspect my uncle of any malicious intent—he really goes out of his way to be a nice guy most of the time—but I don’t think he has any idea how this sort of thing sounds. I don’t think anyone who ever offers this prayer aloud, to an audience, really thinks about the words that are coming out of his mouth. One on one, alone, on your knees by the side of your bed, I understand asking God to help you remember where your blessings come from. I understand asking him to help you keep your faith, especially if it’s an often-tenuous proposition. I also understand saying this sort of thing in front of an audience of devout believers, where everyone is hoping for similar results. But to say this in the blessing of a meal strikes me as odd. Something about it makes me question this prayer the same way I question backhanded compliments, as if it’s some sort of code. “That’s a beautiful painting for someone who hasn’t been trained in the arts.” To me, it felt far less inviting than it could have. But again, I’m the weird one.
I’m interested in your opinions. I feel like prayer is a sacred space where no one casts a critical eye, and maybe we should. Some people hide threats within prayers, and I’ve (more than once) heard someone send a message to their children while offering their heartfelt thanks to their chosen deity. I don’t really know how much these public prayers are about god anymore. What do you think?
“Dear lord, who controls and distributes all things, we give thanks this holiday season for distributing the wealth, only to a few, so that so many poor children can starve this holiday season while their parents sink into depression or suicide, also per your desire. We also thank you for pedophiles and murderers, without which children and adults could lead uneventful lives of happiness without fear for themselves or those close to them. Finally, we thank you for CJ, our heathen nephew child monster thing, without which for some reason we would have no proof that there is a God. After all, clearly he is a test put upon us by Yourself to ensure our faith and make our belief rigid and firm… Like a cross. Amen, burn in hell CJ.” Secret message decoded by T-Dawg
May we burn together, dear friend, for you have surely encouraged me in my endeavors.
“Please help us to recognize that everything we have comes from you, and that everything is because of your will.”
As a believer, I’d hesitate to pray this because I might worry about how God might go about this.
But mostly, I’d realise that when people pray outloud in a group often times strange things come out of their mouths—it’s like impromptu speach making. Often times they are trying to make it sound prayer-like.
You were in an uncomfortable situation, and it was thoughtful on your part to just let it pass.
Thanks for the comment. I agree that it was probably best to let it pass. My mother (the uncle’s sister) informed me that his prayers have always been overbearing. I’ve noticed it, but I’ve only ever had to deal with it once or twice a year. I also appreciate your “careful what you wish for” attitude… I doubt anyone would really want too much help from God on that front. “I’ll learn you to appreciate the things I’ve given you._.”
Yes, the prayer was overbearing and inappropriate. To be thankful to whomever is great, but this person is and always has been overkill when it comes to things like this. I appreciate that you were quiet and respectful during the prayer. It was hard for me to be. And as for your family that recently refound church, no, we’re still looking for one (if you meant your birth family). The grandfather that you barely knew was the biggest hypocrites I’ve ever know in my life. Some day we can discuss it if you would like.
I’ve been around a lot of public prayer. You’re entirely right when you touch on the notion that prayer is between God and ourselves and that some statements seem out of line when praying in a group of people, especially a mixed group.
Here are a few of my observations, which I’ll relate back to your situation at the end.
1- Did you ever see that episode of The Office where Michael is watching “The Devil Wears Prada”? His personality and actions are temporarily influenced by his most recently ingested media. He goes through it with another movie, but that escapes me right now… It’s the same with Christians and prayer. Whatever they last read, heard, watched, consumed will almost unfailingly come out in the statements they throw out there and the prayers they offer.
2- Having other people around puts pressure on the person praying. Either they want to sound like they know what they’re talking about, OR they want to sound spiritual, etc.
3- Sometimes, (and I have to admit this is insincere when it does happen… I’m not promoting it) people pray what they think people want to hear, which basically means you all might as well have gone along with your suggestion and thanked the people who bought and made your meal. Jesus basically tells people not to do this in Matthew 6. BUT, we’re not always great at listening and doing what we’re told
I think your uncle had good intentions regardless of what happened. Perhaps he thought you needed to hear what you did, maybe he read something recently that expounded on God as the source of all blessing, or possibly he just wanted to sound good.
I hate the idea of our flaws reflecting back on God and Christianity, it makes me sick because I can’t count the number of times I’ve done something ridiculous and looked like a giant tool because of it, but that’s where grace for each other comes in and hopefully we can demonstrate that to everyone else when we get a chance (I know….we don’t always succeed) I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!
Thanks for the reply (and glad to see you’re still reading). I agree with all three points, though I’ve never seen that Office episode. I’ve seen that happen in real life, though, and it’s one of the basic principles I teach my students when it comes to creative writing. As for your last comment, it doesn’t always reflect back on God, but in the case of people who pump up their holiness, it does reflect really badly on them. Given that I don’t believe in God, there’s nothing that anyone can do that reflects on him… It does reflect on organized religion when I hear these prayers from their pastors, but my uncle doesn’t even attend a church regularly (as far as I know), so that’s not an issue here either.
What really bothers me about this part of religion is that these traditions, rites, rituals, whatever, are often seen as remedies to the given situation. I once read a book that I really respected–written by a man who was really interested in breaking the cycle of violence and absenteeism in African-American culture–that lost my attention entirely in one single page: he talked about how, when he and his wife are having problems, they pray. That’s all. They would pray, silently, sitting on the beach. The trip could be better spent, as could the time, discussing their problems. Prayer works as a stalling tactic to get you over your anger, and yes, putting your qualms into words (even in your head) will help you work them out, but the prayer doesn’t do the job. This was a man who had spent 150 pages discussing his problems intelligently, breaking them down and tackling their bits and pieces one at a time, but somewhere along the line, he gave up. The truth of the matter is that walking down to the beach hand in hand, staring at the ocean, just having that time together–those are the things that really help. Relatedly, these public prayers are often times just an excuse to put in a plug for Jesus for those who are listening, or to reinforce the common assumption that “this is the thing we should be doing.” For the couple in the book, it was something that they could share (even on the worst of days), but really talking through the issues would surely have done a better job of it.
Thanks for the holiday tidings. My Thanksgiving was actually rather good, but I’ll be enjoying the leftovers more than the fellowship. I remain misanthropic to the end, unfortunately.
From experience, for the most part .. I think public prayers in practice are really for the public to hear and be affected by, maybe much like public speech or poetry reading .. and yes, always with an agenda, and sometimes malicious .. and yes even gossip or condemnation ..
But the good thing is, sometimes we can also use the same medium to self reflect, or make ourselves (us Christians) a bit uncomfortable and push the envelope a little .. So prayers can be aimed both ways ..
For instance, here is an excerpt of a prayer I prayed at church one day:
“… Let our hearts overflow with Your compassion that we may stand in solidarity with all who are oppressed, whether it be our gay and lesbian teenagers who are bullied, condemned, and cornered into a dark place, or our Muslim neighbors who are demonized and restricted from freely worshiping You in western societies; and especially the Palestinians who suffer inside the Gaza blockade.
For we know and profess that there is neither Jew nor Gentile, Christian nor Muslim, neither slave nor free, Western nor Arab, nor is there male and female, straight and gay, for we are all one in Christ Jesus. Amen.”
http://wonhoshin.blogspot.com/2010/11/infamous-last-words.html
I like that prayer of yours, but I know quite a few “Christians” who would have a few bones to pick with it. You appear to be the type of Christian I can appreciate, though, and I hope your public actions (including political ones) follow suit. Careful with that open mind of yours, though–it might just lead you out the church doors one of these days. (That’s a joke, not a threat: keep up the good work.)
Your post brought to my attention two things.
First, it reminded me that not everyone shares my faith, and that public prayer can be uncomfortable to some listeners, and also that when done with “lecturing” or merely religious motives can do more harm than good. On the other hand, I am also aware that there is a different kind of public prayer, the one made on behalf of a sick or a needful person or group of people for example. It is, I believe, the type of prayer practiced by Jesus. It has no selfish or political motives, it is sincere in intention and simple in execution. I believe and have experienced that this type of prayer has incredible results. I have also noticed that it usually requires the consent of all people involved, and may I add, faith on their part.
Second, it reminded me of something my wife and I read some days ago about how common it is as believers to say, when something goes bad, “well, it was God’s will” (usually accompanied by a sigh). It seems that God’s will is something we have to bear, something that usually tramples our plans and ruins the party. But then, we are reminded of how many times things go bad because of a bad decision on our part. The other day, for example, I missed a flight, and couldn’t get a refund on the ticket. Some family members told me: “well, perhaps it was God’s will you wouldn’t take that flight”. The fact was, I made a poor choice of not being informed about the flight conditions, and perhaps a worst choice in planning a leisure trip when my schedule is not the most relaxed nowadays, but then that’s another story.
What the Bible does teach, is that “all things work out together for good for those who love God”. This I have seen come true time after time. And for the record, me missing that flight was very good after all, it just confirmed it wasn’t the best time for me to travel. So, I think as believers it would be great to take more responsibility for bad choices and their consequences, and be thankful, from the heart, for the good things we believe He provides.
My two cents.
As I learned at the Twin Lakes Church (and entry I know you’ve read) is that religion can help people figure out how to better deal with the misfortunes in their lives, even if it doesn’t specifically fix those problems. The Buddhists I visited talked about that too– determining your response to setbacks, rather than letting your emotions rule the day–and I expounded upon it (with a bit of science thrown in) somewhere in that entry or another. I like that about religion, though I tend not to like much else about it.
I would say, and this is intended to be a bit of a joke, that those “decisions” that you make, with your free will, sure are easily overturned by the will of god sometimes. I don’t want to get into determinism–I understand it, I follow the arguments, but my goodness is it convoluted sometimes–but that’s another issue I have with religion.
I’m sorry you missed out on your vacation. I’m cutting mine short to return to Santa Cruz and get some work done. Thanks for coming back time and again, Rafa.
By the way, I meant to say “person in need”, instead of “needful person”, my ESL got in the way